Seeing my numb expression and my silence, Mi Cai asked with concern, “Did you drink too much and feel uncomfortable?”
“A bit, I feel suffocated.”
“No wonder you haven’t said a word since just now. Don’t drink so much in the future.”
I nodded, not saying anything more, and the matter of Xiang Chen setting up a counter at Zhuo Mei was thus glossed over.
Back in the old house, my dizziness intensified. I lay down on the bed without even washing up. Even with my eyes closed, I felt the room spinning. I felt uncomfortable until a cool sensation came from my face. Opening my eyes, I saw Mi Cai wiping my face with a wet towel.
I grabbed her hand and said, “It’s late, you should go back and rest.”
“You’ve drunk so much, you can’t be left alone. I’ll stay here tonight.”
“I’m fine, you should go back.”
“Zhao Yang, what’s wrong with you? You used to always ask me to stay here, but now… now that we’re together, why do you want me to leave?”
At this moment, I didn’t have much ability to think, but the alcohol seemed to stimulate my instinct not to trouble her. I mumbled, “Can you go back and rest?… Before I met you, I lived like this every day, wasn’t I fine?”
Mi Cai didn’t say anything. I turned over and lay with my back to her, not saying anything. I only felt a wave of pain and dizziness, and then I lost the ability to communicate and fell into a deep sleep.
…
In the middle of the night, my stomach started to churn. I stumbled to the bathroom and vomited violently, then I felt weak and sat on the floor leaning against the toilet, staring blankly at the washstand opposite.
Finally feeling thirsty, I went back to the living room to pour myself a cup of water from the teapot, only to find it empty. Too lazy to boil a pot, I filled a cup with tap water and drank it all in one gulp. The icy coldness gradually sobered me up, and I remembered some of the conversations I had with Mi Cai when I was still conscious.
Under the influence of alcohol, people often express their deepest thoughts. So, the unconscious me asked Mi Cai to leave, not wanting to trouble her, but I couldn’t remember that she is now my girlfriend. The better she treats me, the more guilty I feel!
In my scattered thoughts, I remembered the afternoon many years ago when Jian Wei took me for a drive in her new Cadillac. I felt oppressed. It seems that I had let inferiority take root in my heart at that time, and my lack of achievement over the years has been like fertilizer, nourishing this seedling until it grew into a towering tree, firmly controlling my values and views on love.
Feeling frustrated, I took a cigarette from the box on the coffee table and lit it. I took a tasteless puff, then lay down on the sofa, staring at the ceiling out of habit.
After finishing the cigarette, I went back to my room and found a thermos of hot water on the bedside table. Mi Cai had prepared hot water for me before she left, but I hadn’t noticed and had drunk a cup of cold tap water in my confusion. This was somewhat ironic.
Even when Mi Cai and I were at odds, she never neglected me, let alone now that we are in a relationship! She would never just leave, at least she would prepare a pot of hot water for me after drinking, but I didn’t think of these things. My subconscious was filled with her beauty, her status, her wealth, and then I trapped myself in a strange circle, reaching out to touch her, but my heart was struggling to escape.
Human nature is complex. At this moment, I don’t quite understand myself, but I am indeed troubled by many negative emotions. So I asked myself: What triggered my current emotions?
It seems that after the initial euphoria of being together faded, I began to return to rationality, and inevitably measured this relationship against the reality of our differences. In this measurement, I gradually realized that with the lessons of the past, I really have lost the courage of the ignorant.
In the following time, I lay in bed thinking about how to improve myself, a task I had to do, but I had no ideas. It wasn’t until the six o’clock bell rang from the Drum Tower that I realized: No matter how good my entrepreneurial ideas are, without financial support, they are just fantasies. So the past few hours were just a fool dreaming a hollow dream, which made me feel even more lost and confused.
…
With no sleepiness left, I got up at seven o’clock, made some porridge, put it in a thermos, bought some pastries that Mi Cai likes, and then drove to her current residential area.
A moment later, I arrived at my destination, parked the car at the entrance of the community, and then called Mi Cai. This time, Mi Cai quickly answered the phone. She yawned, obviously still sleepy, she was woken up by the ringtone, which surprised me because she usually turns off her phone or mutes it when she sleeps.
I asked, “Haven’t you gotten up yet?”
“Hmm, why are you up so early?”
“I couldn’t sleep, so I got up… Why didn’t you turn off your phone when you went to bed?”
“I was afraid you would feel uncomfortable and call me in the middle of the night!”
Mi Cai’s words made me feel guilty and touched. After a moment of silence, I said to her, “I made you worry… By the way, I bought you breakfast. I’m at the entrance of the community now. Tell me which building you live in, and I’ll bring it to you.”
“Why did you buy me breakfast?”
“I’m spoiling you.”
“Why are you spoiling me?””Because you’re my girlfriend!”
“You still remember that I’m your girlfriend?”
Only then did I realize that I had fallen into Mi Cai’s words. She was indeed very concerned about me asking her to leave last night. After another period of silence, I said, “I just didn’t want you to be too tired, and I tend to lose control when I drink too much. I didn’t want to ruin my dignified image in your eyes.”
After my somewhat far-fetched explanation, Mi Cai didn’t dwell on last night’s incident. She told me where she lived and ended the call.
……
Entering the residential area and finding the building number Mi Cai had mentioned, I realized that she didn’t live in an apartment, but a row house with its own courtyard, where her car was parked. In Suzhou, where every inch of land is worth its weight in gold, the value of this small villa was simply too overwhelming for me.
Mi Cai, still in her cotton cartoon pajamas, opened the door for me. I followed her into the small villa and was immediately attracted by the carefully arranged courtyard. Looking at the flowing pool water and rockery, I felt as if I was in a small Jiangnan garden. I was even more curious about why Mi Cai would give up such a good living environment to live in that old house.
As I walked, I exclaimed, “The environment here is really nice, very stylish!”
Mi Cai smiled and replied, “This house was a birthday gift from my uncle last year.”
Mi Cai’s answer made me even more puzzled about her relationship with Mi Zhongde. Why would Mi Zhongde give her the best materially, yet push her so hard in business?
Upon reflection, people are contradictory. Just like me, I desperately want to treat her well, but I reject her kindness. In the end, Mi Zhongde’s contradiction stems from desire, and mine from inferiority. I understand that, to some extent, both Mi Zhongde’s desire and my inferiority have hurt Mi Cai.