Mi Cai nestled in my arms, this kind of closeness really brought warmth between us, my heart gradually calmed down, then fell into infatuation.

“Zhao Yang, your heart isn’t beating anymore!”

Mi Cai seemed to have been listening to my heartbeat, but her words startled me. I quickly checked my own pulse, which was very steady, proving that my heart was still beating.

Just as I was about to speak, Mi Cai corrected herself: “Don’t worry, it’s just beating slower!”

“Why would I be nervous, shouldn’t you be the one who’s nervous!… If my heart stopped beating, would you be scared?”

Mi Cai pulled away from me and nodded after looking at me.

I shook my head with a smile, sighing, “You’re really timid!”

Mi Cai looked away, and after a long while, she whispered, “What I’m afraid of is not facing a corpse, but… a world without you!”

The world suddenly became quieter, so quiet that I could hear her heartbeat, my heartbeat. I felt as if the fortress I had carefully built was suddenly cracking and showing signs of collapse.

I asked with a smile, “Do you care about me… a lot?”

If Mi Cai nodded at this moment, I would embrace her again. Even if she just asked back, “What about you, do you care about me?” I would answer, “I care, I care a lot,” and then hug her.

But she didn’t answer for a long time. Then her phone rang, breaking the silence and bringing me back to reality.

Mi Cai took out her phone from her pocket. It seemed to be a WeChat voice message, and then I heard CC’s voice: “Dear, are you asleep?”

Mi Cai replied, “Not yet, what’s up?”

“It’s almost New Year, I was wondering where you’re spending it.”

Just as Mi Cai was about to answer, I held her phone and stopped her from sending a voice message, then said to her, “Don’t answer CC yet, I have something to tell you.”

Mi Cai looked puzzled, “What is it?”

“Mr. Ban said: if you’re alone for the New Year, you can go back to Xuzhou with me, my family’s New Year celebration is very lively.”

I finished speaking and looked at Mi Cai sincerely, but she hesitated for a long time before saying, “Thank you for your kindness, but I’m going to America for the New Year… Wei Ran has been waiting for me to finish my company’s affairs!”

My heart suddenly felt like it had fallen into an ice cellar. It took me a while to recover, then I joked with Mi Cai, “Did he fail to confess his love in China and is now planning to try again in America? After all, America is his home turf, it might give him an advantage…”

Mi Cai ignored my joke and said, “His mother has been very good to me, she’s taken care of me a lot in America, and I have some friends there too. I’ve been back in China for a long time, I miss them.”

Mi Cai’s words made me realize: she must go to America, and I have no reason to keep her here. But why does my heart feel so suffocated?

In my silence, Mi Cai finally pressed the voice key on her phone and said to CC, “I’m going to America for the New Year.”

CC quickly replied, “Oh, I thought you were staying in Suzhou!”

“What about you? Are you going home?”

“My parents are going to Hong Kong for the New Year, I’m staying in Suzhou.”

Mi Cai thought for a moment, then said, “Why don’t you come to America with me, it could be a nice change of pace!”

I suddenly hoped that CC would agree. If she was with Mi Cai, at least I would hear news about Mi Cai. But CC sent a disappointing message, “Dear, I won’t go. I suddenly want to go to Beijing to find Robben and Le Yao. It’s more festive to spend the New Year in China!”

“Alright then, happy New Year in advance!”

“Yeah, you too, dear!”

The conversation between CC and Mi Cai ended, and my world felt cold. I suddenly lost interest in everything, except for smoking. So I took out another cigarette from the pack and lit it up. Mi Cai, like Jian Wei in the past, no longer minded the smoke I was producing.

But I consciously distanced myself from her, found a bar stool in another corner and sat down, forgetting that I had wanted to invite her to sing “Clearly My Heart” with me before coming to the bar.

Mi Cai put the guitar back in its case. I knew this meant it was time for us to leave and end this night together.

As expected, she said to me, “Zhao Yang, I’m leaving, are you coming?”

“We’re not going the same way, you go first.”

Mi Cai nodded, walked to the door, but then stopped and said to me, “It’s late, you should go too!”

I smiled and replied, “I need to check today’s accounts, it won’t take long. Could you turn on the bar light for me?”

Mi Cai turned on the bar light for me, took another look at me, and finally left the bar with her newly bought guitar.

…

I felt a bit suffocated, put out the cigarette in my hand, lit another one, and then turned on the POS machine at the bar to check today’s accounts.

The night was already deep, almost approaching dawn. After finishing the accounts, I finally returned to the small stage, sat down on the floor, and the only company I had was the guitar that was soon to be no longer mine.

I was a bit tired, so I lay down next to the guitar, but my consciousness suddenly became clear, and I thought of Jian Wei.

What would we be like now if we had continued to love each other back then?

I didn’t know, but I remembered that we once treated love as a faith, loving to the point of madness!

I knew that in that failed love, I lost my faith and gained depression… I could no longer pursue the next love with pure passion.

Wait, do I still believe in love now?

I didn’t have an answer, because there was no love in my world now. The only person I was with, Li Xiaoyun, seemed to have nothing to do with love, more like a haven after being tired of life!

I sat up from the floor, took out my phone, and took a commemorative photo of the guitar that had accompanied me for many years.

I held the guitar in my hands again, gently strummed the strings, but couldn’t control myself. As dawn approached, I sang “Elope” with all my might.

But who would I elope with? My life was left with only me, tasting loneliness!

…The next day, I slept until noon, not even wanting to eat lunch. I planned to sleep until the afternoon, but I received a call from A Ji. He was eager for me to give him the guitar. I told him I hadn’t gotten up yet, but he offered to come to my place to get it. I couldn’t understand his urgency. I doubted he even had such a strong desire for his own wife at night! But I agreed to his request.

After getting up and finishing my morning routine, before I had time to make myself a bowl of noodles, A Ji had already arrived at my place. As soon as I opened the door for him, his gaze shot straight to the guitar next to the sofa. He then ran over with a big smile on his face, picking up the guitar as if he had found a treasure.

“Zhao Yang, you won’t regret this, right? Little Wu told me this guitar was a gift from your first love!”

Before I could answer, he added, “A word spoken is past recalling, you can’t back out now!”

I tore open the instant noodle package, poured boiling water into it, and then said to him, “Do I look like someone who would go back on his word? Take the guitar and never show up in front of me again!”

A Ji gave an awkward laugh and said, “We’re both musicians, we know what a guitar that has accompanied us for many years means… I shouldn’t covet what others love, but I really like this guitar…”

I interrupted him, “You said the same thing yesterday. Can you shut your mouth, you’re like an old woman, always nagging!”

A Ji didn’t respond, he just continued to play with the guitar, clearly infatuated. Suddenly, he put the guitar into its case and said to me, “Zhao Yang, I have some things to take care of at my music store. I’ll take the guitar now… I’m sorry, brother!” He then disappeared from my sight as if he had wheels under his feet, his speed was no less than that of my old landlord, Mr. Li!

Watching A Ji’s retreating figure with the guitar on his back, my heart suddenly felt empty. This emptiness came so suddenly that I was completely unprepared.

I seemed to see myself back in that deep winter, performing at CC’s restaurant. Jian Wei would always stay by my side no matter how late it was, and I would always play this guitar to entertain her. Everything seemed difficult, but my heart was full.

Now, I had finally lost this guitar, and it seemed that the fullness of the past had also slipped away. I felt so empty, as if only a shell was left. But who could save the withering soul inside that shell?

No one could save me, I could only save myself. So I quickly lit a cigarette for myself, but in the smoke, I thought of Mi Cai. I thought of her upcoming trip to America with Wei Ran, and my heart felt even emptier… so empty that it felt like I had lost my soul, so much so that I didn’t even notice that my noodles had turned soggy!

It wasn’t until the door was opened, until Mi Cai stood in front of me again with her suitcase, that I snapped back to reality from my daze…