I put the phone aside and took out a can of beer from the convenience bag to drink. My mood was getting more and more depressed, but I couldn’t even find a reason to comfort myself. I didn’t know how deeply I had hurt Li Xiaoyun, let alone Mr. Ban and my mother. I could imagine their feelings at this moment. For them, the coming late night would also be sleepless.

The phone rang again, it was Le Yao calling. Her persistence left me helpless. Finally, I answered the phone and said impatiently, “I’ve really had dinner already. Can you go eat by yourself?”

Le Yao choked up and said to me, “Zhao Yang, I know you’re upset. You must have given up a lot for my sake, right?”

“You’re overthinking it. I’m just going back to Suzhou. At most, it’s like I never returned to Xuzhou.” I said, feeling annoyed, and subconsciously lit a cigarette from the pack.

“Then come out and have dinner with me. I really don’t feel like being alone.”

I was silent for a while before finally agreeing to Le Yao’s request. I didn’t want her to see my desolation and feel guilty. But I really hated the forced smiles after meeting, which was the main reason why I initially refused to have dinner with Le Yao.

…

Ignoring the severe cold of deep winter, I took a hot bath in the small hotel, then took my wallet and left the hotel, only to be seen by Le Yao who was already waiting across the street.

She ran over to me, staring at me, but didn’t say a word for a long time.

I put out the cigarette in my hand, put my hands in my pockets because of the cold, and said, “Weren’t you going to eat? Let’s go.”

“Why are you staying in a small hotel?” Le Yao asked with reddened eyes.

Subconsciously, I thought women were naturally slow, but Le Yao had arrived at the agreed place before me, which was why she saw me coming out of the small hotel. Looking at her, I noticed she wasn’t wearing any makeup, just a simple sporty down jacket. No wonder she arrived before me.

I evaded her question and said, “Let’s find a place to eat first.”

Le Yao nodded obediently with tears in her eyes, and then we both disappeared into the crowd, walking down the street.

I just wanted to eat something on the street, but Le Yao insisted on hailing a taxi and asked the driver to take us to a high-end Western restaurant.

…

In the Western restaurant, listening to the soothing music and the sound of water in the fountain, my tense mood finally relaxed a bit.

Le Yao was eating with her head down, not talking to me the whole time. I didn’t have much appetite, just had a glass of red wine.

Half an hour later, Le Yao finally finished eating. She looked at my untouched food and her expression darkened again. After a long time, she asked me in a low voice, “Zhao Yang, going to Suzhou this time must have been hard for you, right?”

“It’s not a big deal, you don’t need to worry.”

“What about your girlfriend? Didn’t she say anything?”

Le Yao hit a sore spot, but I had to bear the pain and say, “It’s nothing, she supports my decision.”

Li Xiaoyun did indeed support my decision, but the premise was that I also lost the love that was heading towards marriage with her.

Le Yao asked again, “Then why are you staying in a small hotel alone?”

Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore and said with an unhappy face, “Le Yao, do you know why I didn’t want to have dinner with you? I really don’t want you to keep asking questions… No matter what the consequences of this matter are, I’ve already made my choice, so all your questions now are meaningless.”

Le Yao didn’t say anything more.

I said to her, “After you go back to Suzhou this time, ask Robben and CC to help you manage the bar first. I’ll get there as soon as possible, probably within a week.”

“Okay, Robben has been singing at my bar for a month now, for free. I feel so guilty… Zhao Yang, if there was any other way, I wouldn’t have asked you. I know this is hard for you!”

Le Yao’s words left a strange taste in my heart. Sometimes life is just so cruel, it doesn’t give people a choice, and living is so involuntary.

Leaving the Western restaurant, we walked on the cold street under the light of the street lamps. I was still smoking, while Le Yao was looking at the end of the street somewhat blankly.

I don’t know how long we walked in solitude before we finally returned to the hotel where Le Yao was staying. We were about to part for a short while.

I said to Le Yao, “Go back to the hotel and rest early. If there’s time tomorrow morning, I’ll see you off.”

“No need, I have a train at ten. You’ll be at work by then, right?”

“Yeah, just be careful on the road. There are all sorts of people on the train.”

Le Yao ignored my advice, her eyes filled with tears as she said, “I really didn’t understand. I should have listened to your advice and not opened a bar. I hurt myself and you!”I gently patted her shoulder to comfort her, saying, “Don’t cry. Everyone makes mistakes in their life. What matters is how we make amends afterwards. I will be with you through this difficult time.”

Le Yao, losing control of her emotions, threw herself into my arms, sobbing, “Zhao Yang, everything you lost today because of me, I will make it up to you in the future.”

I held Le Yao by her shoulders, gently pushing her away from my embrace, and said to her seriously, “Remember, we should never talk about compensation between us. Just like the slap you took for me, have you ever thought about me compensating you?”

Le Yao shook her head and said, “I don’t want your compensation. I did it willingly for you.”

“So, going back to Suzhou is also something I willingly did for you.”

……

After sending Le Yao back to the hotel, I walked alone on the street. Just past the next station was the small inn where I was staying, but I didn’t want to go back now, even though the world was chillingly cold.

I sat on a stone bench in front of the train station square, lit a cigarette, and watched the people coming and going in a daze. At this moment, these people passing by me all had a brief intersection with my life, but in the next moment, they would all take the train and go their separate ways, never to intersect again. Yet their lives would continue, filled with joys and sorrows.

So, no one can live a calm life, and a life filled with joys and sorrows is a worldly life.

Taking a deep breath, I finally put out the cigarette in my hand, and couldn’t help but look up at the sky. Where was that crystal clear city? I had been to Suzhou and Xuzhou, but whether I looked up during the day or longed for it at night, I never saw it again. Was it really just a city conjured up by imagination? If so, how sad it is… because a weary soul can never find a place to rest.

If only there was a silver boat at this moment, curving, swaying, shaking, squandering the night, taking me to fly into the fluffy sky, how wonderful it would be…

———————-

There will be another update around 12 o’clock.